"The position of Webmaster is hereby terminated as part of a long list of baby steps budget cuts. In order to increase the debt limit, the Republicans demand that we cut back on spending. With guidance from the White House, that is exactly what we are trying to do. Unfortunately, that means that we will no longer be able to issue monthly reports on employment in the United States, due to the fact that our Webmaster for bls.gov typically acts as a conduit between the bureau and the White House."
Pressed for a broader explanation, specifically as to why someone else in the Bureau can't simply hand deliver the monthly report to the White House, the interim spokesperson responded, "We all have our own jobs to do, and we all play our part to ensure the Bureau is an effective mechanism for employment analysis, but we're not willing to pass the buck. Congress is not willing to do so in regards to the deficit, and neither is the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That you can quote."
Perplexed, members of the press cornered Speaker of the House John Boehner after they tracked him down in the Capitol Building.
"Look, I just want to say that I think it's a smart move on the part of the president. Like I've said before, I like him personally, but he simply does not know how to run our economy. In light of that fact, cutting back on wasteful spending is one of his only options, and a good one at that. We already know there's not going to be any job growth until he's out of office; that's a fact. A monthly report about how poor our economy is fairing isn't going to help matters. We've got a spending problem, not a revenue problem. I think the president is informally admitting, finally, that he agrees with our assessment," Boehner said.
As for the webmaster, not much was known or divulged about him until a few hours ago, when the editors of the NY Times received an angry e-mail from a sender whose alias was reportedly "WebSerferDude99."
"This is bullshit. All the money in the world for 3 wars in the Middle East, but as a pretense for handling our debt, we cut back on services and real jobs in America. I made $42,379 a year running the website for the BLS, and I'm exploding the deficit? Give me a break. I didn't push for tax cuts for the super rich. I didn't fork over billions to the already extremely profitable pharmaceudical companies in the name of Medicare Part D! Our political discourse is disgraceful; a huge joke, and it's not funny anymore."
When asked about his plans, WebSerferDude99 said he intends on applying for a job at McDonalds early next week.
0 comments:
Post a Comment