Greatest Accomplishments: The Story of the Greatest President of the United States of America (A Satire)

As a result of the economic recession of 2008, the President demanded that Congress formulate a robust bill to tackle the trickery on Wall Street; credit default swaps were banned, and hedge fund managers were taxed 50%.

Because of the irresponsibility and predatory practices of big banks like AIG, Citibank, Goldman Sachs & Bank of America, all Americans facing foreclosure were told to stay in their homes; a moratorium on foreclosures was established indefinitely.

The political polarization in the country had reached new heights, and everyone felt it did more harm than good. In 2010, the President of the U.S. insisted that the Fairness Doctrine, stripped away during the Reagan years, be enforced by the FCC once more. The doctrine ensured more than one side of an issue was given time on the public airwaves, and, consequently, the overbearing dynamic of ideological talking heads was rendered minimal. Scores of citizens praised the initiative as hundreds of thousands gathered outside of the White House chanting in unison, “THEIR MOUTHS WERE WIDE & FOUL...I BET THEY HEAR OURS NOW!!” One onlooker, approached by the Associated Press, remarked that “the loud guy on the radio that always rattled on about ‘American exceptionalism’” (read: Sean Hannity) had confused him in regards to the issue of climate change. “Now I know that Exxon has spent millions financing skepticism since the 1990s, and peer reviewed studies prove we need to make dramatic changes to our energy policy before it’s too late!”

With the public behind the President, and the President wholly behind the public, the greatest initiative yet was promulgated to an inspired nation: the end of all war efforts. As if public support and progressive momentum sent them to the Capitol building (as opposed to corporate lobbyists), members of Congress made the next move: the 28th Amendment was passed. It stated boldly and unequivocally:  

“Neither Congress, nor the President, nor the Supreme Court, nor the Pentagon, nor the State Department, nor the military, nor any security/intelligence organization, agency or federal bureau may declare or conduct, neither secretly or openly, a preemptive war against another country. This Amendment supersedes any and all U.N. Security Council resolutions, as pertaining to the crime of preemptive war. The crime and action is obvious! The terminology may be deceitfully altered, but the Public knows a preemptive war like they know a hard day’s work! Furthermore, because of the conflict of interest in regards to a profiteering private military firm’s (...and so on and so on) handling, “preventing,” and mongering for war, private military contractors (...and so on and so on) are hereby rendered an illegitimate business entity. As of the date of this writing, all government contracts with private military firms, companies, etc, are hereby terminated.”

As if all this was not enough, the President, in a Farewell Address that changed the public’s impact on their politics more than any action ever before, called upon Congress to “get big money out of politics, and let the people’s voice be heard.” In translation, public financing of elections became a political norm, and like the President, a nation healer.